I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, the world is full of abundance

The SNL quote may not be familiar to those outside my generation, but Stuart Smalley‘s comedic character does have some wisdom for me today.

My son has been sick this past week (thankfully getting better now). Normally a pretty independent, easy-going little guy, he’s been needing a lot of attention from me. Some days last week I couldn’t even put him down or he’d start crying. He’s not feeling well and it’s understandable. The part that was concerning me wasn’t his behaviour but rather my reaction. When the poor little sweetheart was bawling and reaching up for mommy, rather than feel compassion and tenderness for the person I love most in the world, I felt myself getting angry. Sometimes I would even end up speaking harshly to him.  And I was feeling absolutely awful about it. It is so important for me to be there for my son, especially in hard times, and so I needed to look at where this anger was coming from.

It didn’t surprise me completely as I’ve felt negative emotions come up with my especially needy cat. When it was Inanna, the cat, I came to the conclusion that it was a disgust of her neediness reflecting my disgust of my own neediness. I am especially sensitive, prone to crying more than average while endeavouring to be as self-sufficient and in control as possible. But it wasn’t disgust I was feeling and this explanation just wasn’t resonating.

The realisation that hit me was that it was stemming from a sense of scarcity and injustice. Yes, I often find myself having a hard time, crying and craving love and support. The thing is, I don’t often feel like I receive it. So being the person to provide it to my young child had me feeling resentful of my own lack.

This perception of lack is not limited to the support and love I feel I receive but has been a pretty prevalent theme throughout my entire life, never feeling like I have enough of anything, like I am enough. I find myself constantly comparing, envying and fighting a gnawing sense of failure. I would wager that this isn’t such an uncommon feeling as it seems to give rise to much of the competition, endless striving and misery many of us experience.

This isn’t a way I want to continue living and certainly not a sense of the world I want my son to grow up with (even if both his parents currently tend to view things this way). So in order to let go of the anger and be able to provide the caring and love my son needs, I need to feel like I have enough to give.  Like I’m receiving enough to support my own self. I know there are concrete actions, like articulating my needs and asking for help that are useful here but I really think the shift that can affect the greatest positive change is a perceptual one.

And you know what? Just the conscious decision to view the world as abundant rather than scarce has already had a positive impact. Cultivating a trust that I actually am receiving all I need and have everything I need to give my son is working! It certainly takes effort as my ingrained thinking and habits do not reflect such an approach. SNL may have been making fun of affirmations but they really do go a long way.

I dare you to try it! How would you like to view yourself and the world? What beliefs would better serve you? If you continue to affirm them to yourself, you may find yourself believing them! I know I am and both my self and my family are benefiting.

affirmations are powerful tools

The gift of expectations

For the past week since I’ve had my blog up, I’ve been reflecting on what I should write about next. A lot of topics come up, but I continue to look for the “perfect” one (written “perfectly” of course). Which is completely in line with my ever-high expectations of myself.

Sigh. Expectations.

Part of the way the minds of us humans work. And a helpful way those minds work. It wouldn’t be very efficient if we went into every situation with no knowledge about it – we’d have to relearn every time and it would be exceedingly dangerous. If you subscribe to the survival-of-the-fittest theory, then humans who didn’t have expectations, drawn from their schemata, probably died off pretty quickly. So the rest of us who lived on are left with mental frameworks, preconceived ideas and expectations.

The unhelpful part (for me at least)? When reality fails to meet my expectations (not really the problem) and I have negative reactions – mental and emotional – to those schisms (this is the part that can get me). Or (even worse) when expectations of what should happen and expectations of what I actually believe will happen are at odds and create a defeatist mentality so that I give up before I have even begun. Or (equally bad) I fail to learn from an expectations/reality disagreement.

I could go into a whole analysis (drawn from years of introspection) of why my expectations of myself often tend to be so high and why a failure to meet said expectations (or rather fear of failure) is such a big deal to me, but regardless of the long and intricate history, this way of being doesn’t serve me.

I’ll happily share with you that I haven’t placed these high expectations on my son. I’m happy he’s so curious and quick to learn new skills, it’s exciting to see how fast he’s begun moving around, how strong he is…

So wait… I take that back. Given my observations of my baby over the past eight months, I do have expectations of him. Such as, that he will walk early (it’s looking pretty soon) and that he will be a strong and physically capable boy. Given his parents’ intelligence and his behaviour, I also expect him to be of above average intelligence. So as I wrote about earlier in my post (that was written oh-so-many hours ago, before food play and potties and water spilling and 80s babies dance classes…), it is the nature of our minds to have expectations. The difference I want to point out is the lack of attachment to my expectations for my son (if he doesn’t walk soon, I may be surprised but I will in no way be disappointed). Or extrapolations of those expectations (although he very well may be intelligent, it is not important to me how well he does in school, if he attends post-secondary education or what career path he chooses).

This is very core in my own philosophy on parenting: I trust there is a reason for my son to have the life he has and that it will be as it needs to be. I am with him on his journey to provide safety and love and guidance but never to force things on him.

Do you see where there is still an issue though? It’s the whole monkey-see-monkey-do truism (a saying I really don’t like that much but “monkey” does happen to be my son’s current pet name, because a busy little monkey is what he often is!). Even if I don’t get disappointed or have fears around any discrepancies between expectations and reality for my son, he will undoubtedly observe that I still have them for myself. Even if he doesn’t copy my model, it could still engender guilt or confusion in him, things I never want to be a source of for my son.

We are always learning…

Hmmm.. maybe that last sentence is a good example to work from to see where I can ameliorate things. I clearly don’t want to cause my son to experience guilt or confusion, among many other negative feelings, but the reality is that I, fallible human that I am, probably will someday, at least unintentionally. My tendency if said example were to transpire? To berate myself for being such an awful mother, to worry about my son’s scarring for life, to feel guilt and probably very little compassion or patience with myself. So add insult to injury, he’d have not only his guilt but mine to deal with as well!

Oh what little gifts our children are to help us work through our own shit! The answer that seems clear as day to me here is to offer myself the same compassion, forgiveness and understanding that I offer my son. I will not always meet my expectations of myself. It is still helpful to have goals and expectations, just to hold them more lightly. Disparities between expectations and reality are only yet another source of rich learning for me. If I did cause my son guilt or confusion, it would be an opportunity for me to look at where I could grow and ask if I need to change anything in our communication. Used in this way, expectations can be helpful not only in ensuring we meet our basic needs (such as safety) but our higher needs as well (of growth, mastery and self-actualisation).

So the reminder for myself? I’m imperfect. I have great goals and expectations of myself, including how I mother. Keeping them in mind helps me to be the best mother I can be and offers a good foundation for learning and growing. And one of the things I continue to learn is how to be compassionate, kind and loving to myself.

Even mothers need to be mothered: me, circa the late 70’s