I am participating in this really great art-based mothers’ project, Greetings from Motherland. Our assignment this week was to photograph a self-portrait without ourselves in the picture. I’m also part of a really cool local mothers’ writing group (a little aside here to express my gratitude at having such opportunities to connect with other mothers) and although I couldn’t meet them this morning, I still took some time to write while Sasha was sleeping and was inspired to write about a photograph I took yesterday.
I think this photograph does a great job of showing where I am right now. In the present, with a lot of blurry edges. Not sure where my head, my mental clarity has gone. The breasts in focus also point to an area of ambivalence: breastfeeding.
Many of my choices in motherhood may not be the norm (bed sharing, baby wearing, elimination communication and cloth diapers, baby-led weaning) but I have no doubt that they are the right choices for me and my family and I feel trusting and connected to my intuition. I also always knew I would breastfeed and have happily had no supply issues and even though nursing was exceptionally painful for the first month, I persisted because it was that important to me and my son has been very healthy. I also had no question that I would nurse on demand and that felt right and good for us.
For the first year.
Somehow, now that we’re approaching 13 months, I am questioning my approach to breastfeeding. I still want to breastfeed as, along with the World Health Organisation, I believe that it will continue to contribute to my son’s health over at least the next year.
What I didn’t expect was how often he’d still be nursing after 12 months. I’d believed that milk would be his primary food source until a year and we welcomed early explorations with solids without worrying about how much he was actually eating. I guess I’d expected a bigger shift as we approached and passed the year mark. A good time to question my expectations, for sure, and also consider the influences that could be causing me some confusion and inability to know what my intuition says about this one.
1. I wasn’t breastfed and I recall my mother expressing disgust with mothers breastfeeding into toddlerhood.
2. I read a book called Aware Parenting and, unlike many things that I read discerningly and discard what I don’t agree with, this one leaves me with extra fears and doubts. Aletha Solter, the author, claims that breastfeeding can be a “control pattern” for babies who are avoiding their feelings.
I don’t really believe that unhealthy avoidance behaviour could really develop so early but, as someone who has had her share of issues with addictions and eating disorders, I want to make sure my son has the support and tools he needs to be present with himself and emotions so he never feels the need to numb himself like I did.
So that’s probably the biggest source of my ambivalence. That and the sleep deprivation (he’s nursing more frequently at night now than he did when he was few months old).
On one hand I want to trust my child to know what he needs better than I do but on the other hand it seems I don’t seem to always trust him. At least about this. This issue in particular is one that I’m worried about the potential damage to him of going either way (nursing as a control pattern and a sleep-deprived mother versus weaning/restricting his access to milk as damaging to his trust of me and himself and his relationship with food with either choice).
This seems to be an exploration in progress, one where I haven’t figured out what’s right for us yet. Every day I try and listen to what’s needed that day so trust that I will figure it out as we go.
Has anyone else faced this ambivalence? What did you do?
a mother's manifesto 